# Film 2024-11-14 I'm listening to [De Ushuaia a La Quiaca](https://youtu.be/WGPUJMke1kk?si=1acDL3O75lvk1v0d) right now and its making me emotional; the song tells me stories of a journey, of intense labour, of failure, of resignation, and ultimately, of laughter. Films have been difficult for me. I put everything of myself into films, and am faced with a thousand compromises. This disillusions me, because how then, can a film be a true reflection of my spirit? Would choosing a different medium allow me to be more truthful? My desire for audiences to peel back my work is always at odds with my desire to be understood and seen. Neither of these two films were accepted into any international film festivals on merit, including the one in my home city. Rejection sucks. I've been stuck in a pit of self hate where I began hating my own work past what it was due. So I watched my two previous short films Night Shift and Charsi while I was a little kinda sorta inebrieted. I was in a state of mind where I could distance myself thoroughly from my own creation, as if I was in an intensely vulnerable bubble of light. Here, watching my creations, it felt like my younger self intended to make the film for my older self in the exact way it was made. I for the first time felt like the perfect audience member for my own art, and I cried. It felt like a gift. How a person _reacts_, produces a different art compared to how a person _acts_. Creativity exists in both realms. _My Films_ show my spirit _fighting_. So i'm learning to love these imperfect conceptions. If you don't like them, shut the fuck up. (Just kidding, I still love you.) [[Films]]